There’s a Kid Named Siri at Your Local Starbucks

Gen Alpha's first names as a cultural bellwether.

Starbucks comes in clutch, especially in the summer months.

If you’re bouncing around between errands or meetings and just need to stop off somewhere cool, use some fast wifi and rehydrate… the dark green, lo-fi playing, non-binary oasis has you covered.

I found myself posted up at a Starbucks in an upscale town last week, tying up some loose ends on my Mac before it was off to the next thing.

That’s when the inspo for this post occurred.

What’s in a name?

The baristas were calling out orders and names, as is customary.

I was half-listening, but curious as always.

“Margaret, grande vanilla Cold Brew!”

Up to the counter came a typical well-to-do Gulf Coast mid-50’s blonde lady, Cartier bracelet dangling, Ralph Lauren oxford tastefully half tucked in.

They were seemingly fake but still spectacular. (sorry lol)

“John? Trenta iced Passion Tea unsweetened and a cup of ice water!”

(It’s an elite combo, it really is. Feel free to steal it)

Anyway, I took a second because I was in the middle of an email..

….and that’s when it happened.

“Siri! Grande Caramel Frappe!”

A girl about 12 years old popped up from a table of her peers, making her way over.

Now, not to be weird, but I timed my counter arrival with hers.

I had to see if this was real.

Sure enough, the spelling on the cup matched the spelling of the name of the digital assistant that resides in our pockets.

I know it was correct- she was ahead of me on line and paid with the app, which knows your name.

(This was a far cry from when Starbucks first started asking your name at the counter, and you’d answer with something ridiculous like your Xbox Live gamertag or something equally juvenile. 17 year old John thought it was hilarious when they’d call out grande iced coffee for Traplord! Contrary to popular opinion, men do grow up at some point- if only incrementally)

Old News, Current Effects

I’m sure I know what you’re thinking.

This is old news bro, like 15 years ago old.

You’d be right.

2012!

The same year the world was allegedly going to end, the same year parents of children born during the Arab Spring were naming their children Facebook.

Thing is, 2012 was a very, very different time- especially in terms of the digitization of life as we know it.

Netflix was still a giant red box outside 7-Eleven.

Video games were still released IRL, you had to queue up outside GameStop with whatever other of God’s creations decided to crawl out of hiding to wait with you (I miss those nights).

Instagram and Snapchat were new tech, and your iPhone was encapsulated in a bulbous Otterbox because it was expensive and you didn’t wanna break it when it dropped.

Fast Forward to the Present

The insane digitization of our lives is no secret. We don’t have to rehash that here.

Scrolling, brainrot, bed-rotting…we’re hyper-aware of our digital sins and how things have changed.

Let’s go back to our friend Siri.

She’s 12 or 13 now.

She can get into a PG-13 movie by herself.

She’s a few years out from a driver’s license and yes, that means you the reader are a blink of an eye away from near-miss “I’m just a girl 🎀✨” signal-free lane changes from a girl named Siri on the expressway.

The consequences of her parents’ trendy cultural decision of yesteryear are coming home to roost.

Governing the Ungovernable

The current crop of college-aged and young adults had to fight the stigma of being “iPad Kids”, but what do you do when Gen Alpha is named after the machines themselves?!

How can our Siri’s parents ever get on her about her screen time when she’s named after the phone itself?

It’s absurd and backwards, but it’s all very real.

As always, it speaks to something larger at play.

What’s in a Name, Part 2

Our names are a big part of our first impressions.

I remember as I was graduating college, friends with the -y at the end started dropping it to seem more formal and adult.

Billy’s and Jimmy’s became Bill’s and Jim’s. Nickname usage declined.

However, nobody is immune to internet culture and how it can affect even the most banal things.

My first name is pretty standard in this world.

A very normal name for an Italian Roman Catholic guy. It’s literally one of the four gospels.

Then came the intense “J Name” discourse that swept up social media a couple of years ago:

“…and Johns” ☹️

Sure, it’s ridiculous. But things like this can grow legs and become part of the cultural lexicon on a broader timeline. I still hear it when I go out and about.

(For what it’s worth- this theory isn’t totally unfounded…and I wouldn’t change my J name for the world)

Point being is, even the most simple of names can be taken for a ride in this new and ever-expanding landscape we live in.

It’s helped to breed the “devil may care” attitude that new parents seem to have when they’re handed the birth certificate worksheet.

That being said, it’s not the only thing.

Content > Community

Most people born before 2005 can explain their names pretty easily.

Usually, they’re named after a grandparent, a God parent, or an influential figure from one of their parents’ lives.

Perhaps there’s family tradition or lineage.

The biggest “breakaway” we see from this is people named after athletes or actors, but even then those are few and far between in everyday life.

This has changed.

While our Siri is an extreme outlier (and also a useful non-fiction literary device to construct an article around for our hero), there are more names that don’t have religious, familial, or cultural lineage than ever before.

Children are now being named after characters at a steady clip.

It’s easy to point the finger here, we just have to look at topics we’ve discussed frequently: decline of IRL socialization, increased isolation, streaming/scrolling culture…all of which were amplified 10x by the pandemic.

I know for a fact that there are little Khaleesi’s and Anakin’s running around American elementary and middle schools.

Buzzfeed (yes they’re still around) spoke to this a couple years back:

It all makes sense when you take a step back and look at it.

The world has shrunk while simultaneously becoming increasingly siloed.

The TV’s, MacBook screens, and Discord servers are the congregating areas that the corner bar, church, and block parties of yesteryear were.

It’s a trend that will only grow and continue.

But it doesn’t end there…

Your Aesthetic is Decided in the Second Trimester

Far more common than the Kylo’s and Loki’s of the new world are very young people with what I call aesthetic names.

Clover, Navy, Laken, Maple, Kai, Legacy, Jett… the list goes on.

I’m old enough to remember when the cultural zeitgeist clowned Gwyneth Paltrow and Coldplay’s Chris Martin for naming their daughter Apple.

If she was born 7 or 8 years later, Apple would need to go by her first name and last initial to differentiate her from the two other Apples in class.

This trend is rising in direct congruence with influencer culture and perfectly curated Instagram feeds.

I can only imagine that more expecting mothers than we care to admit have their due dates circled on the calendars- half in anticipation of their child’s birth, half in anticipation of the fact that’s the day her mommy blogger side hustle starts.

It’s the direct result of a generation attached to the fyp and Explore pages having children.

A never-before-seen intersection of aesthetic curation and procreation.

This isn’t North Korea of today or the Soviet-bloc of old where your occupation and caste are solidified the day you take your first breath, but there’s similarity.

You’ve got Juniper the Coastal Granddaughter being brought into the world alongside Banks the skater/soft boi.

Both are hours old.

It’s all so insane.

It’s also all so amusing.

Who Knows Where We Go from Here

Usually, I like to tie these posts into some sort of lesson I’ve learned or at least gleaned from societal interaction.

These observances have some crossover with those in Airport Tribal Warfare, but at least that one I could tie together with a heartwarming anecdote.

I don’t have the answer here; nor do I think there is one.

The only move seems to be to sit back and watch how this all takes effect.

We aren’t just birthing children, we’re birthing personal brands- living breathing accessories that align with the picture perfect aesthetic cooked up by those that brought them into this world.

If nothing else, we’ll be entertained.

Chat soon <3

-John Abbate

7.1.2025