The Dumbest Metric I Track
paradise by the bathroom sink.
“Don’t let me grow a f——n’ beard ever again.”
Those were my overly dramatic words to a good friend of mine who was OctoBuddy’d to my bathroom mirror.
As we recounted our daily activities over FaceTime, I was applying a Grade 1 all over my face, removing the beard that would’ve looked totally in style should I have been logging 18 minutes a night in the Western Conference Final and ridiculous everywhere else.
I noticed I respected the guy in the mirror more.
He looked cleaner, more polished, more serious.
Not somebody I’d want to let down.
The bearded version?
Eh, he could get to looking like a bit of a dirtbag.
The beard flows into the longer hair, thus making a hat look better….and now we’re going everywhere looking like Jeff Weaver.
So, I did what any terminally online overthinker would do, and tracked the metrics correlated with beard growth and my personal productivity.
Less beardage literally was directionally proportional to more work output, better workouts, and even improved mental health.
The objectively dumbest metric you could possibly track, and it turned out to be a giant one that had leverage over everything else.
Why I’m Sharing This
I’m not anti-beard.
Maybe you look incredible with one or can’t grow one.
Point is, in a world where Oura Ring metrics or Strava stats are our gods, where our water bottles have markings measuring gallons and liters, and productivity is its own billion dollar industry, sometimes it’s not the tangible X’s and O’s type stuff that moves the needle.
It’s a beautiful irony- while productivity culture adores percentages and decimal points, it could actually be that the real needle-movers lie in the abstract.
There’s probably a myriad of ways you can apply this.
Perhaps (hopefully) yours are not so superficial.
You’re better on days you wear your favorite necklace, or call your mom, or remember to hit your stretching flow before bed, so on and so forth.
Whatever (not so) minor behavior or activity is psychologically unlocking the version of you that’s most in accordance with who you want to be.
Certainly something worth A/B testing in your own life.
I’ll just say this:
Writing more short form essays was something I’ve been meaning to do more of lately.
The scruffy guy might’ve let it fall by the wayside.
The guy with the five o’clock shadow would never.
Enjoy the weekend 🫶🏻
-John Abbate
5/29/2026
This is slander!