Sunday Essays #8: You Really Gonna Let the Group Chat Destroy Your Dreams?
Creating > Your "friends"
Saturday morning I had a conversation with a friend of mine that I found pretty disturbing.
This guy is, by all accounts, an extremely talented creator.
We were discussing writing and podcasting and posting, stuff like that.
I mentioned how whenever I publish, he’s one of the first I send the link to.
Friends supporting friends, creators supporting creators.
That sort of thing.
Then he hit me with the overhand right I didn’t see coming:
“I used to post my clips to my other chat, but they’d just get annoyed and make fun of it and tell me it’s stupid.”
The Ugly Fixed Variable
Much like watching back fight tape, I should’ve seen it coming.
Creators’ social circles not supporting their work is unfortunately an epidemic.
The 2.5M following creator you watch posts about it, the niche mommy bloggers post about it, your weird online cultural writer bro friend writes about it.
It’s an unchanging fact of posting online.
But Why…?
Cultural psychoanalysis en masse would turn this into a 4,500 word digital feast, but I can drop a quick three reasons I believe is behind this phenomenon:
1. “Crabs in a Bucket” Theory/Flying too close to the sun
Social groups, especially ones that came up during formative years like high school or college, are often very tight-knit.
However, these are also the groups that are least likely to accept “outlier behavior”
(I’ll write another day about finding your tribe, I’m blessed my college crew is super supportive but I’m also aware that’s unusual)
Crabs in a Bucket Theory can essentially be boiled down to “everybody roots for you until you start doing better than them.”
Think about it- take a crew of average guys or girls, everybody has similar normie jobs, standard relationships with partners in the same SMV ballpark.
All of a sudden, one of ‘em starts posting workouts or GRWM’s and instead of “you got this!!” it’s “woah…who do you think you are?!”
Many such cases!
2. The Mirror Turns Inward
Lots of business guys I read on Twitter and Substack echo a similar sentiment once they became financially successful to the point where they couldn’t hide it anymore:
Shit got weird with a lot of their friends.
Disheartening to read?
Sure.
Again- a constant fixed variable?
Seems that way.
Posting is really no different.
The confidence (or at least the guts) to post or write, especially when it gains traction, makes those around you take a hard look at themselves even if they don’t want to.
While “hey, good for him/her, I couldn’t do that” is the way we wished it would go, we know the realities of the world.
Mocking and disqualifying (really just a lengthy exercise in ego self-preservation) is the far easier way.
3. They Never Actually Liked You.
Yeahhh..the toughest pill to swallow.
“But..but they came to my birthday party in the city!”
Lots of people like fun social events with an open bar.
Doesn’t necessarily reflect on you.
And be honest with yourself- gun to your head, you know who these people are before they even truly reveal themselves.
That’s why…
The Onus is on the Creator
“How is that fair?!”
Who said life was fair!!
I get it though.
I’m guilty of this, too.
“Therapyspeak” memes be damned, I remember sitting in a session when my therapist poured the metaphorical bucket of freezing cold water over my head:
“John, a fair amount of your problems stem from the fact you place your standards on other people. You can’t do that.”
Look, I’m usually a cool customer, but I didn’t take to this one very well, and I got enough Mediterranean blood in me to run hot when I need to.
“So what do you want me to do?! Be a f——g doormat? That’s the answer?”
I got all emotional and irrational, I was hurt.
The bruised ego subsided into the correct internal monologue:
“You mean some people close to me, some friends, some colleagues..they haven’t been riding with me this whole time?”
Yup.
It sucks.
Doesn’t make it any less true.
It’s a gigantic social litmus test, and you have to have the guts to take and stare the results in the face afterwards.
Otherwise, you’ll make yourself crazy.
You’ll quit.
Group chat snark will have won, spoiling what could’ve been beautiful.
Pivoting from Doomerpoasting into a Whitepill
Once you get through the sludge of Creator Ambitions v. IRL Acquaintances, you’ll find there’s quite a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow:
Your online friends- people you’ve never linked with IRL- become some of your biggest supporters.
I could write an entire essay on people I’ve met via TikTok, podcast guest spots, and Substack.
Business connections, known writers, creators on their way up, actors…hell I even took a TikTok girl out over the summer.
(You wanna talk snark? Tell your crew you’re pulling women off of being charismatic on the internet- see how that one goes over.)
Whenever I get down about this (and even if you’ve dealt with it, it still has moments it irks you) I go rewatch one of the best TikToks I’ve ever seen:
Tiktok failed to load.Enable 3rd party cookies or use another browser
Inner Circle That Passes the Litmus Test+ Online Crew= Profit
That’s a very Alex Hormozi way of looking at, now that I reread that line.
Creative brains do well with breaking down the abstract into tangible formulas, it helps close the legion of open loops.
So here’s another one to think about- how big is your inner circle?
If you’re super blessed, it’s like 10-15 people, max?
Compared to the global population with internet access?
Looking at it that way…I’d say the gigantic potential upside of creating outweighs awkward moments at the 26% bodyfat FanDuel and Coors Light Convention, or the “Let’s crush mimosas at 10:00AM and mock other girls wedding photos” standing brunch date.
You make the choice though, I’m just throwing the facts and figures out there.
Right There With Ya
It’s preachy to write about things you don’t go through.
As I’ve alluded to, I’m no stranger to the weird secondary and tertiary effects of building an online platform.
Subscribers or followers come and go.
To think that this Substack hasn’t been “hate read” would be an enormous act of naivete.
(Hell hath no fury like…)
Still, when I get asked how the writing is going?
I always say it’s going really well.
Not because of metrics.
Not because of positive feedback (though that’s always nice), or likes, or shares, or whatever.
The real reason I say it’s going well?
I’ve got the balls to write it.
Proud of that.
Have a great week 🫶🏻
-John Abbate
3.8.2026