Sunday Essays #12: The Constant Trait in the Most Attractive People I Know

not a looksmaxxing article

The more digital we’ve become, the more shallow we’ve gotten.

Looksmaxxing was the logical crescendo in an orchestra of filters and Facetunes that trace back over a decade.

So I guess it’s really no surprise when you ask a person what they look for in a partner, what they find attractive, the physical reigns supreme.

It’s baked into the culture.

The same refrains are common:

Tall

A jawline!

Biceps

Blonde

Fit body

Ass

“at least a C cup” (okay, guilty)

We’ve become physical purveyors, an army of individual judges from the OG era of America’s Next Top Model.

Look, we’ve all got a type.

You’re guilty of it, your friends are guilty of it, I am too.

(Lily Aldridge didn’t grace the thumbnail image outta nowhere)

So, I took a look around.

What made me attracted recently?

What actually moved the needle internally, to the point where I stopped and took pause?

The Timeline Tells All

It all dawned on me during an all-too-familiar 2AM “I can’t sleep” timeline scrolling sesh.

Sure, there’s the mutuals who look incredible all posed up on…whoever’s boat it is that they’re on.

Sultry post-Pilates selfies that might raise an eyebrow or two over at Elite Model Management.

But that’s all noise at the end of the day.

Scroll nationally trending IG Reels, you’re inundated with top-notch genetic specimens thirst trapping away, some selling “memberships”.

Not that we’ve become desensitized to beauty online (okay, maybe we have) but it’s almost as if we need something else to get that warm fuzzy feeling in the chest.

So, what exactly was it?

The profiles that I kept coming back to, that evoked some sort of feeling?

Well, I’ll tell you what.

It didn’t turn into a body measurements contest, I wasn’t calculating Golden Ratio face equations or such things.

Lots of “dude, she’s bad as hell” types, which is all well and good…

but what was it that was scratching the proverbial itch?

The Allure of Intentionality

All of the profiles that I kept coming back to had a common thread:

They all had their thing…and it was dialed in.

(No, I won’t disclose who they were)

A passion.

A career they were proud of- not attractive from an $$ standpoint, but for the enthusiasm behind it.

A physical or artistic pursuit.

A specific aesthetic.

There was an energy about how these girls lived their lives, how they protected their time, how they seemed to be on a path in their life you’re more than willing to join but she’s not going to abandon for you.

It was living with intentionality.

I get that intentionality is a spooky word, especially for us guys.

If a girl hits you with “what are your intentions” or some variation of “dating with intentionality!”, you gotta break into a 40 yard dash in the other direction that would make Christian McCaffrey blush.

(That’s an entirely different conversation for another day)

This is about living with energy, overcoming the modern rot.

These girls were living with life force inside them.

Let’s look at it a little deeper:

“Show me a beautiful girl, and I’ll show you a guy that’s tired of…..”

Don’t have to finish that sentence, we all know how it ends.

I been that guy more times than I can count.

Beauty runs up engagement numbers, though.

457 comments.

23.7K likes.

Double the amount of sends (to group chats across the country).

The formula does work, for a time.

The real retention, however- that stayed with the doers.

A nurse summarizing a chaotic 12-hour shift, looking half dead but speaking in that unique fiery way about the care she gave her patients.

(Scrubs don’t hurt, either)

The interior designer who managed to get herself in a room with a massive CEO, not from “omg girlbossing” it, but rather from being that damn good at what she does.

The girls grinding through Masters programs or the like, steadily posted up in a rotation of cute coffee shops, laser-focused on whatever it is that’s in their hearts.

None of them are curating, thirst trapping, shilling.

Just existing with a pure and unwavering focus on what made them them.

In simpler terms?

They had something going on under the pretty exterior.

This Goes for the Guys Too (Pause)

lol, but it does though.

Not like that, obviously.

That being said, think of your own circle.

Whose texts or notifications come through and you’re like oh, hell yeah, let’s see what he’s up to.

The Pareto Principle is far too forgiving when it comes to my social circle, in terms of who is still “getting after it”.

It’s more like a 15 or 20-1.

This is no drawn out knock on commitment.

Biggest killer I know has a wife and four kids.

Rather it’s an observation of the types that inspire that man-to-man respect out here in the wild.

The guys shipping their asses off on Claude after putting the kids to bed.

Guys pushing big weight, posting absurd PRs into the lifting chat.

Probably the most inspirational chat I’ve had in weeks was a friend of mine lamenting that a current training partner of his lost in the UFC co-main event.

This same friend has his ACL blown to bits two years ago.

Most people I know would’ve ridden that into a lifetime subscription to the couch.

Not him.

Interactions like those are what inspired thoughts like these:

Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.

If you’re that fired up talking sparring or the creator economy with your go-getter friends, what’s the inverse doing to you?

How bad is hearing “Well yeah, we uhh.. we got new Ikea drapes for the living room” nuking your fortitude?

Sure, the circle may shrink as a result of this practice.

The positive residual effects will only multiply.

That’s a solid trade-off.

Exit Through the Coffee Shop

As I sit here finishing this up, I’m tucked into the corner of a trendy new coffee spot up on the North Shore of Long Island.

Save for the Temu version of Call Her Daddy type banter going on at the table next to me, I’m surrounded by the very types I’ve written about in here.

There’s a girl with AirPod Max’s and a giant oncology textbook.

Two older guys assessing a massive land survey spread across the table.

A group of what looks to be college students poring over some group project (which seems to be about physics and thus, way over my head).

All of them are on a mission.

They’ve got their own thing going on.

Sure, some of them do look great.

But almost everyone in here is attractive.

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Love always,

John Abbate

4/19/2026