Don't Die, Bro: Keys to a Happy Thanksgiving
Thanksgiving week is the one of the most hectic times of the year, especially on the roads, in the airports, and seemingly everywhere else. People are in a frenzy to get from Point A to Point B in time for the big day. There’s a small window to see out-of-town friends and loved ones and make the most of time together.
Nonetheless, Thanksgiving is one of the most enjoyable holidays in our great country. It’s a day to reflect and take a break from the frantic pace of life (especially here on Long Island), to enjoy a nice meal with those you care about, and to jumpstart the excitement of the Christmas season.
However, much like anything else that brings great amounts of fun and enjoyment, Thanksgiving and the holidays are not without their peril. This week and weekend have historically been crazy, but when you add in our upside down sociopolitical climate in America and the ongoing Covid craziness, it adds another layer of absurdity to navigate.
Fear not- your boi has you covered with some helpful tips and reminders to make Thanksgiving ‘21 fulfilling and enjoyable for all.
Step #1: Actually Look Forward to Thanksgiving
Thanksgiving is supposed to be a celebration of family and gratitude, not an anxiety-ridden debacle. One of my greatest critiques of the Millennial generation is the “mediocreposting” and overall overall dread of “adulting”. The social media feeds are full of 20 and 30-somethings absolutely falling to pieces over the fact they have to share a 3 hour meal with their extended family. As always, the mainstream media and the usual suspects do their best to push this forward:
Look, I know every family has their drama and issues. Nobody is perfect. There’s difficult characters, in-laws, outlaws, whatever it may be. The greatest gift you can give yourself (and your loved ones) is to put all of it aside and enjoy the day. I can think of way worse activities than slamming down 4500 calories, eating an assortment of pies and desserts, and drifting away into a soothing food coma. Try and make the most of your time with your family, for none of us are getting any younger.
#Step 2: Be Smart About Thanksgiving Eve
Thanksgiving Eve is one of the most popular nights to go out, especially for the younger crowd. When I was in college, we would somehow be able to head into New York City, go to the clubs until 3 or 4AM and then be in top condition ready to roll by Thanksgiving afternoon. I realize many are still in this phase, and even some of us in the older crowd like to go out as well, even if it isn’t the balls to the wall affair of yesteryear. However, 2021 isn’t like other years- there’s a multitude of factors to consider now that weren’t present before. Let’s face it: big cities aren’t as safe as they used to be, and the police present is noticeably decreased- especially here in New York. Just yesterday a man was randomly stabbed to death in Penn Station, in the middle of the day!
Look, I’m not saying stay home and be Bubble Boy. I’ll never err that far on the side of caution in my life. I just think that this year you’d be better off at the hometown bar with the usual crew, trying your luck with one of your “shoulda coulda woulda’s” from the high school days, and keeping it cool. BTW yes, you can break Tip #4 on Thanksgiving Eve (just don’t be sloppy about it, and get yourself home under the radar). Let’s face it, stumbling around drunk like an easy mark in a big city in the U.S. isn’t a good idea on any night right now, especially not one when the skells of this world will be expecting you. Instead, have fun reenacting the “Explaining Guy” meme at the local haunt this Wednesday night- and I mean that sincerely.
Step #3- Don’t Do Drugs
“NARC!!” Fine, I’ll deal with whatever you call me. I won’t go as far as to extend this to pre-Thanksgiving dinner weed pen rips (“we’re gonna go for a quick walk before we eat”) but honestly for at least one night and day, whatever your proclivity may be, put it aside.
As I mentioned in #2, the slimier characters in this world know this weekend is busy, and God only knows what the product is getting cut with and where it’s coming from. One Googling of the word “fentanyl” should be all you need to know what is going on out there. Let your rich uncle’s new girlfriend be the only South American import involved with Thanksgiving 2021. Trust me, a night or two without the sauce- (or publicly Venmo’ing your friends with skiing emojis so everyone can see how cool you guys are) won’t kill you, but one bad bag will.
Remember- don’t die, bro!
Also, you know what- screw the weed pen too. Are we in high school?
Step #4 - Don’t Discuss Politics at your Thanksgiving Gathering
Yes, I will have to recite that title to myself in the mirror ten times fast before I depart for my Thanksgiving, I’m no better than anyone else. I presume I’ll bite my tongue a fair bit, but it’s part of maturing and keeping the peace, no matter what side of the aisle you’re on. This means no passive-aggressive stoking of the flames, either. Let’s face it- your uncle who drives an F-150 and has a gun collection does not want to clarify his pronouns to you and your friends, and your aunt with dyed blue hair is more than happy to pay $5 a gallon of gas so long as the big orange real estate guy with the mean internet words isn’t in charge anymore. Thanksgiving isn’t a day for fighting the patriarchy (I don’t actually know what that means) or “owning the Libs”. Harmony can reign supreme for a few hours.
Here’s a handy list of discussion topics to avoid as well:
-The v a x x
-Gas prices
-Supply chain issues
-Crime rates in the cities
- Crypto or NFT’s ( sadly considered a political views tell)
- Referencing any news source that isn’t a mainstream outlet
-Referencing any news source that is a mainstream outlet
-Nobody involved in the Kyle Rittenhouse saga was black
-Epstein Island flight logs
-Epstein didn’t kill himself
-Tom Brady is a system quarterback
-Communism has failed every time it was implemented
-AOC wore an “Eat the Rich” dress to the Met Gala but paid $30,000 a plate to be there
- The fact that whatever physical malady is being discussed would best be treated with proper diet and exercise instead of prescription pills
-Billie Eilish’s music is far more innovative and enjoyable than Olivia Rodrigo’s music
- NHL officiating increasingly favors “Original 6” clubs because the league makes more money when all of them are competitive
Alright, the last one is actually fair game. I actually think Tom Brady is incredible, too.
The rest of the list remains valid.
Just kidding I’m not going to do that ^
Right? Right.
Okay, lastly:
Step #5: Don’t Bother with Black Friday
I could go on and on here, but I’ll keep it short and sweet. I’m all for financial prudence and being a smart shopper, but is it worth standing out in the cold and potentially getting trampled or smacked around for ~$200 off a giant TV? Exactly.
Ecom is booming like never before (hello, Metaverse), so wait for Cyber Monday instead- you’ll get better deals and your goods delivered right to your door.
This post was fun to write and sort of a joke at the same time. After all, who am I to tell you how to live your life? Maybe you want to completely go against everything I’ve written here- you certainly have the right to do so.
Maybe you want to go out until the sun comes up, use some “PED’s” to power through Thanksgiving, rant about the long-term consequences of the Industrial Revolution on American society at the dinner table and then slip out the door with your uncle’s Colombian girlfriend while he sleeps on the couch.
It’s your life man. Or woman. Or xhe or them. (See? Giving you some tongue-biting reps to get you ready for the big day)
In all seriousness, I hope everyone reading this has a wonderful Thanksgiving.
Eat, drink, be merry and enjoy the company of friends and loved ones.
Behave as you please- just remember it’s already late November and the Big Man is watching.
Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours.
(and for the first time this season, Merry Christmas)
Talk soon.
-John
22 November 2021